A semi-satire on ‘How to publish your first book’

It’s every writers dream. It’s the only reason why writers survive in today’s times. It may be a cheap low price cost-effective book, worth less than Rs. 200/-. But when you actually hold the first copy of your first book, all the efforts, all the sacrifices seems to be worth it. In more than 99% of the cases, first book is always the stepping stone to – well –  the second book. And research proves that the authors who have published the first book invariably are one step closer to publish another one! Strange, but true!
Here, in this post, I will tell you how to publish your first book and take that first step to success. Now, I haven’t written a book till date (if you ignore the Engineering and MBA exam papers). You can follow two different ways – traditional and modern. Here’s the traditional way –
  • Content: Only 3 things are needed to write. Content, Content & Content! Nothing sells like genuine content. You have a story that’s different – pursue and publish it. You have a mystery, a poem,  – go for it.
  • Proof reading: No mistakes, please. It will hamper your writing career.
  • Acclaimed publishers: Better publishers, more is the reach, more sales, more publicity and hence, success. You know the cycle, don’t you?
And we have a winner here: It’s the latest technique. It’s 100% fool-proof. People claim, ‘nothing succeeds like success‘, I say this one surely does! It’s a long term process though, but the results are worth it. The pre-requisite is that you have to be an Australian, but even a non-Australian can follow this:
  • If you are a non-Australian, apply for their citizenship
  • After successful application, you become a Australian citizen. Now try to learn Cricket
  • Australian Cricket academy is very professional and strict. You might struggle for 5-8 years before finally claiming the baggy green
  • Play for the Australian team for few years. Ensure you also play the IPL for international fame. Plan your injuries accordingly
  • Retire from international cricket once you think you have achieved enough fame. But don’t leave cricket altogether. Continue playing in IPL matches
  • Once you realize your career in the IPL is over, retire gracefully with lots and lots of money. Go back to Australia
  • Think of one of the many controversies you think will affect the Indians. Try cricket as it is your ‘core competence’
  • Write about Indian cricketers, their likes and dislikes (in the dressing room), who lied to whom, who changed the decision after winning the toss, who had political backing in the team, how one player was preferred as the captain over others. Anything. The rest of the book can contain crap about your life. No one will read it anyways.
  • Before releasing the book, release a preview – especially to Indian media. You don’t need to pay the marketing costs, they will take care of publicity themselves.
  • You might have to go through many hate mails, but give them an incorrect e-mail id and an incorrect twitter handle.
  • Once the hatred towards you dies down, publish the book. To the same audience. You see, we Indians don’t believe in anything till we read it. The book will sell like anything in India. The hatred will continue for some more time. Since the contact details are incorrect, you will not come to know.
  • You should be concerned only with profits and the tag of a ‘best seller’. It’s yours! Congratulations!
If you don’t trust me, ask Greg Chappell. On second  thoughts, you need not be an Australian to succeed. If you are controversial, anything you write will sell. Ask Shoaib Akhtar.
(courtesy:  & Bloggers Park)
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